The motherless child did not grow up in the lap of luxury, but in the lap of lack.  She cried for love and was scolded; sought recognition and was denied validation; never measuring up to some mysterious yardstick she felt the sting of criticism.

Yes, I was that child and I created a mother who did not see me.  She saw a lump of clay to mold into her image.  Living in Izmir, Turkey I and my siblings after me, when we reached the age of nine were sent away to be further molded by others.

I, Child of God, Consciousness Itself, dreaming a 3D life had to learn the rules of the game.  No longer free to create instantaneously; not able to express my power and my inner light, I had to learn about lack and limitation.  That’s how the game is played!

The lesson I chose was validation.  I remember being banished to my room and saying to myself repeatedly, “I am good”.  I don’t remember what my transgression was, but I was reminding myself of my innate perfection and validating myself.

With the lesson of validation came the lesson of duality – eating the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil and the lesson of judgment. I could not be seen naked, so I clothed myself with the persona taken from mother’s closet, to hide my truth even from myself.  I remember having dreams where I was chased by monsters, desperately trying to get away and finding no place to hide.  One terrifying dream I remember very vividly, perhaps it was just a vision.  What I saw was many disembodied hands all wagging a finger at me in disapproval.

At the age of nine, I was sent to live with my mother’s mother in Istanbul. Grandmother was a missionary and a businesswoman in charge of the finances for the American Board of Missions for the Near East. Very left brained and analytical, though she loved me, was unable to show it; very much like my mother.

Grandmother left early in the morning and arrived in time for supper, leaving me with the missionary family in the mission house where grandmother and I shared a wing on the ground floor. This lasted three years while I attended the nearby Robert College Community School for grades 4-6, before being sent away to live with an aunt and uncle in Washington DC.

Again, I ask, why did I choose this? Why did I create this? My schoolmates had closets full of beautiful clothes and lots of games and toys, one of them collected horses and her room was decorated with anything equine.  I was a misfit.   I was ashamed to invite them to the servant’s quarters that grandmother and I occupied, and I didn’t have the toys and clothes they had.

Without validation and comparing myself to my peers, I judged myself inferior.  This pattern was to continue throughout my school years. Being a stranger and lacking confidence, I later made what  soon seemed like bad decisions, made in search of love and validation.

Why did I create this movie?  Why did I choose these experiences?  What was the lesson?

At age seventeen, I had a dream in which a Light Being (I identified as Jesus) gave me my mission.  I was to lead the multitudes away from the false Christ.  It wasn’t until decades later, that I began to see how my life has prepared me for my work.

But first, I had to clear the multitude of wagging fingers out of my head and reconnect with the Christ in me. Then I would have the clarity and the compassion to lead others, eventually pioneering a Unity church.  From there I evolved into a spiritual life coach.  Now I understand my life’s journey and why I, Consciousness, created it the way I did.