The Motherless Child

THE MOTHERLESS CHILD

The motherless child did not grow up in the lap of luxury, but in the lap of lack.  She cried for love and was scolded; sought recognition and was denied validation; never measuring up to some mysterious yardstick she felt the sting of criticism.

Yes, I was that child and I created a mother who did not see me.  She saw a lump of clay to mold into her image.  Living in Izmir, Turkey I and my siblings after me, when we reached the age of nine were sent away to be further molded by others.

I, Child of God, Consciousness Itself, dreaming a 3D life had to learn the rules of the game.  No longer free to create instantaneously; not able to express my power and my inner light, I had to learn about lack and limitation.  That’s how the game is played!

The lesson I chose was validation.  I remember being banished to my room and saying to myself repeatedly, “I am good”.  I don’t remember what my transgression was, but I was reminding myself of my innate perfection and validating myself.

With the lesson of validation came the lesson of duality – eating the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil and the lesson of judgment. I could not be seen naked, so I clothed myself with the persona taken from mother’s closet, to hide my truth even from myself.  I remember having dreams where I was chased by monsters, desperately trying to get away and finding no place to hide.  One terrifying dream I remember very vividly, perhaps it was just a vision.  What I saw was many disembodied hands all wagging a finger at me in disapproval.

At the age of nine, I was sent to live with my mother’s mother in Istanbul. Grandmother was a missionary and a businesswoman in charge of the finances for the American Board of Missions for the Near East. Very left brained and analytical, though she loved me, was unable to show it; very much like my mother.

Grandmother left early in the morning and arrived in time for supper, leaving me with the missionary family in the mission house where grandmother and I shared a wing on the ground floor. This lasted three years while I attended the nearby Robert College Community School for grades 4-6, before being sent away to live with an aunt and uncle in Washington DC.

Again, I ask, why did I choose this? Why did I create this? My schoolmates had closets full of beautiful clothes and lots of games and toys, one of them collected horses and her room was decorated with anything equine.  I was a misfit.   I was ashamed to invite them to the servant’s quarters that grandmother and I occupied, and I didn’t have the toys and clothes they had.

Without validation and comparing myself to my peers, I judged myself inferior.  This pattern was to continue throughout my school years. Being a stranger and lacking confidence, I later made what  soon seemed like bad decisions, made in search of love and validation.

Why did I create this movie?  Why did I choose these experiences?  What was the lesson?

At age seventeen, I had a dream in which a Light Being (I identified as Jesus) gave me my mission.  I was to lead the multitudes away from the false Christ.  It wasn’t until decades later, that I began to see how my life has prepared me for my work.

But first, I had to clear the multitude of wagging fingers out of my head and reconnect with the Christ in me. Then I would have the clarity and the compassion to lead others, eventually pioneering a Unity church.  From there I evolved into a spiritual life coach.  Now I understand my life’s journey and why I, Consciousness, created it the way I did.